June 22, 2012

This is an interesting tidbit. But I guess I just don't deserve to have people around me anymore... And those that I do, complain about everything. This excludes my mate, because well, he's my mate, and a part of me...

Its hard when you try to make conversation with someone, and it feels and seems like they don't want anything to do with you. I feel unwanted. I feel... Ugly... I feel...well, I don't have words that describe the feeling, but the way some people treat me is like that brown gunk that builds up on well used light switches... or on doors where they're pushed a lot and this brown film develops. Most people ignore it, and others are disgusted by it and leave it alone.

Its probably because I am trying to be friendly, trying to add to my social bubble i suppose. I guess its not meant to be. It hurts. When i think that there are people out there that totally judge by looks. I know I'm not the best thing to look at... I'm working on it... I'm just short of putting a brown paper bag over my head....

People around me though say i am very good looking. I look at myself, and I really don't like what i see. I don't. I've been trying to change it. It feels like there is no support. Just put downs. "You'll never get thinner if you do that..."

I just want to take a vacation from my life... for well.. as long as I can until i feel better. I don't know when or where... I just don't want to be around people who are just there... or who ignore me... or who feel its okay to tell me they don't believe in me, and put me in a position of self loathing, to the point where I just don't care... Thats not a safe place to be.

But its life. I have to find some way of coping with it. I have to find some way of breaking through these barriers. I have to find some way of becoming ME. But i haven't found ME yet.

Nobody will really understand this journal, and if they do... I'm sorry.

Comment if you like, otherwise just pass it off as another angst.

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New post.

The day goes on... Nothing seems to matter. No one seems to care, and it's hard to articulate what is inside my head. I have no idea or way to express my feelings or why I think the way I do. I need a master reset button or something, because I believe I have made too many mistakes to fix what I have broken. I'm not sure how to go about a normal day anymore... I feel creepy. I feel... old. I feel that I don't fit in with anything or anyone anymore. It is difficult to want to do things by myself anymore because I'm always questioned as to why I do them. I am not going to post anything pertaining to self-destruction anymore, but I will post what's on my mind and you can I turret it any say you feel. Those of you impelled to post or comment on these, I may or may not reply or answer.

I guess a journal should be just that; a journal of what happens on a day to say basis.

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(no subject)

Sooo.... Yeah, I want a vacation from life... Is that possible? I just don't want to deal anymore... Patience is a virtue... I've been patient, I've tried coping, adapting, changing, but it really hasn't yielded anything but more... Self-hatred, self-loathing, and just general I'll feelings toward myself.

I need a break. No worries, no fears that what I do will piss others off, or be questioned... I hate it.... So bad. I just don't know what to do anymore. Sitting here in silence for the last 5 hours has let me look at what I've done. I have not helped anyone... I practically ruined the lives of my mom, brother, and family left in Utah. Here, I have ruined the lives of those that are around me, people can't stand me... I can stand myself. Why am I still here? There really isn't anywhere for me to go... But why?

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It isn't funny...

Anymore... I so... So want to have things stop. I can't enjoy life anymore because I have too many obligations. I just want to make it end. Dread of going to both jobs is beyond a livable threshold... People say they appreciate me for it, but when I talk about dropping one, it's like.. Well you promised you have to keep both of them . We can't survive without you having two jobs... Well, can you survive at all having no time to wind down form these jobs? Like a full nights sleep? I think this could be what is causing my thoughts of self-demise.

I need time off, but I can't afford it... I honestly don't know what to do...

It would be nice to be able to disappear without having people worry, or even notice that I was gone... But I'm told that won't happen...

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I dunno

I really dont know anymore... Some days I am okay, and other days I couldn't care less if someone suddenly snapped and shot me to death because I was just standing there. I'm not sure really how to react to those kinds of feelings.

Most of the time I wonder why I did what I did to my body... Losing weight has for the most part made me feel better, but I fear I may start going too far with it... I want to look thin, but I don't want to look like a stick... I want bulgy muscles, but going about getting them.... I dunno.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin now... I don't know how to fix it... Some say reassurance is key, that you will feel better as you shed the weight... I just want to stop eating... Eating seems to be pain now...

Why do I feel like this... I wish I could fix it... But I can't, and I don't think anyone else can either.

People ask me why I act like this... I ask them the same question... Why do they act all down on themselves.... I feel boxes in, with nowhere to turn...

It would be nice to have something go good for me... But I guess I don't put enough effort into things anymore... People wonder why.... When I do, It all just blows up, or people hate it...

Why do I care what people think??? Why do you care what people think?? I've always cared, and don't know how to stop...apparently in order to move up in life you have to stop giving a shit.... Don't worry what people think, or say about you...

It's not going to happen... I really don't know anymore.

All I see is grey/black... Some days I see red... I hate how my house has become a pile of unkempt wood, and that it seems that I'm the only one that wants to do anything to it... I want to get the outside painted before all the wood siding is destroyed... A quote for new siding, wood or plastic, we're looking at $10,000... Painting it ourself is about $4-500... Hiring someone to paint might be easier, but I'm not sure everyone will be for that... We need new windows... It's not a want or a luxury... We have horrible thermal leaks through the wood frame windows that are installed... And yet the co-owner of the house would rather install an air conditioner in the house when all the cool air that it would create will leak right outside. In addition, we have some severe issues with the ventilation system anyway. I believe that there are huge leaks under the floe in my room and the co-owners room causing a radiant heat effect. I believe it was caused by previous roommates stuffing clothing and other debris into the vent system causing issues... The air conditioner may cost approx 3-5000, but the additional cost of them fixing the vents and making sure they are efficiently blowing air will add 2 to 4000 more to that...

The current roommates seem to not like cleaning at all... They were good at it in the beginning, but things have gotten very unkempt, especially in the family/tv room that they have taken over.

What can I do to fix things?

I'm... Alone, and not all at the same time...

Talking is not something I want to do anymore... I did... But it's not effective. Words don't have the ability to convey how I feel... There isn't a language that can express my feelings...

There will be more to post soon...

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