I really dont know anymore... Some days I am okay, and other days I couldn't care less if someone suddenly snapped and shot me to death because I was just standing there. I'm not sure really how to react to those kinds of feelings.
Most of the time I wonder why I did what I did to my body... Losing weight has for the most part made me feel better, but I fear I may start going too far with it... I want to look thin, but I don't want to look like a stick... I want bulgy muscles, but going about getting them.... I dunno.
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin now... I don't know how to fix it... Some say reassurance is key, that you will feel better as you shed the weight... I just want to stop eating... Eating seems to be pain now...
Why do I feel like this... I wish I could fix it... But I can't, and I don't think anyone else can either.
People ask me why I act like this... I ask them the same question... Why do they act all down on themselves.... I feel boxes in, with nowhere to turn...
It would be nice to have something go good for me... But I guess I don't put enough effort into things anymore... People wonder why.... When I do, It all just blows up, or people hate it...
Why do I care what people think??? Why do you care what people think?? I've always cared, and don't know how to stop...apparently in order to move up in life you have to stop giving a shit.... Don't worry what people think, or say about you...
It's not going to happen... I really don't know anymore.
All I see is grey/black... Some days I see red... I hate how my house has become a pile of unkempt wood, and that it seems that I'm the only one that wants to do anything to it... I want to get the outside painted before all the wood siding is destroyed... A quote for new siding, wood or plastic, we're looking at $10,000... Painting it ourself is about $4-500... Hiring someone to paint might be easier, but I'm not sure everyone will be for that... We need new windows... It's not a want or a luxury... We have horrible thermal leaks through the wood frame windows that are installed... And yet the co-owner of the house would rather install an air conditioner in the house when all the cool air that it would create will leak right outside. In addition, we have some severe issues with the ventilation system anyway. I believe that there are huge leaks under the floe in my room and the co-owners room causing a radiant heat effect. I believe it was caused by previous roommates stuffing clothing and other debris into the vent system causing issues... The air conditioner may cost approx 3-5000, but the additional cost of them fixing the vents and making sure they are efficiently blowing air will add 2 to 4000 more to that...
The current roommates seem to not like cleaning at all... They were good at it in the beginning, but things have gotten very unkempt, especially in the family/tv room that they have taken over.
What can I do to fix things?
I'm... Alone, and not all at the same time...
Talking is not something I want to do anymore... I did... But it's not effective. Words don't have the ability to convey how I feel... There isn't a language that can express my feelings...
There will be more to post soon...
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